Wednesday, March 18, 2009


It is Wednesday night. Listening to a little Graham Nash and David Crosby "Frozen Smiles." Lost is on on Wednesdays and this is the perfect time in a Lost season to lose interest. I was not on the Lost bandwagon when it was first on, but got hooked in the summer of 2006. By hooked I mean I thought the show was amazing in that it could be broken down to the following dramatic interaction:

Character A: "I have to go do something dangerous maybe?"
Character B: "I have to go with you."
Character A: "No, you can't come with me."
Character B: "You have to let me come with you."
Character A: (Grimaces) "Fine you can come with me."
Character B: (Smiles)

But since then, I am always disappointed with midseason and stop watching only to hear how amazing the last episode is. I mean, Lost is no great show, it may be the funniest thing on TV right now, though, and you have to love a show with an abundance of characters that they can just concoct and throw at you. Especially when back to back synopsis of the show's episodes are "Sawyer finds himself in a lie." and "Sawyer finds himself supporting his lie." That's where we should all be working.

P.S. : Buy or download the album "Nash and Crosby"

Now, "From Here to the Last Mound of Dirt":


The piano has stopped playing and I hear two pairs of footsteps. One goes up the stairs and the other continues walking down the hall and enters the den where I’m sitting reading Frankenstein for my fiction class. All freshmen have to take it. Eve emerges and doesn’t seem to notice me.

“Hi, Eve.”

She jumps up and puts her hand to her chest.

“You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” I say.

Eve begins laughing hysterically. Her laugh is somewhat musical. It rises and falls nicely.

“What?” I ask.

“Oh, nothing. I just can’t believe that scared me so much.”

She sits down next to me on the couch.

“What’re you reading?”

I hold up the book to show her.

“Ah,” she says. “I always thought that was such a boring book. I hate those epistolary novels.”

“You were an English major right?”

She nods. “Your brother and I were complete opposites. I’ve managed to get him to become a bigger reader. How do you like school so far anyway?”

I feel tears forming behind my eyes but I don’t want to start crying in front of her. Besides, I’m stronger than that. Even if it is my fault, I can’t let anyone know or see that it affects me. I’m not the little girl.

“I love it. It’s terrific.”

“Yeah? You don’t miss home? Or, well I guess there wasn’t so much time to.”

We’re both quiet. I know she’s thinking about mom too. Mom would never say too much about Eve. I’d try to get it out of her. But she’d always keep it simple. “She’s a lovely girl.”

Something generic like that from a woman who was capable of turning eloquent phrases and who could really get to the heart of something. “She’s a lovely girl.” It sounded like something from a Hallmark card.

“How are the guys?” Eve asks laughing her little music again. I can’t help but laugh too. There is something infectious about it. When did James first fall in love with her? After her first laugh? What is it even like to fall in love and to know you want to get married?

“There are some cute ones. Not so many on my floor but definitely in some of my classes. In this fiction class actually.”

I put the book down. I like talking to her. Something about it reminds me of talking to mom over coffee. She lightly hits my arm.

“What about your roommate?”

“I don’t know. We’re feeling each other out still. We had our first sort of heart to heart the other night.”

“Ah, one of those late night talks when you both can’t sleep.”

“Yeah, its tough when you hear people outside talking. There’s something about it.”
Eve smiles. “That feeling that something is always happening.”

That’s exactly it. That’s been the best part about it so far. The feeling of things constantly going on. People constantly talking or staying up late. There could be a party going on in every room. There probably isn’t but there could be. Lights are never off at college.
“Yeah,” I say. “Something always happening.”

We’re quiet again. I can see that Eve is staring at the white bookcase that the TV sits in. All of the books are still up on the shelves. The photo albums too. No one’s started packing this area.

“I can’t believe we’ve got to pack all of this up,” she says.

“I know.”

“Ben’s always been like this?”

“I never saw it so much, but that’s what I’ve heard. He’s always been funny and had his own way about him. You know. My mom kept him from doing a lot of spur of the moment things like this.”

“After his accident right?”


“The motorcycle accident when he was drunk. Isn’t that what it was?”

I close the book. I never knew about an accident. All this time my family, all of them have been keeping this from me. James never told me. Tom never told me. Dad never told me. Not even Maggie who would’ve been the one to let it slip. But worst of all…. Not even after school. Not even when we were drinking coffee together.

The rain falls down. Everyone is holding black umbrellas and wearing black clothes. Maggie is wearing sunglasses. Eve and James are standing next to me squeezing each other’s hands. I watch the coffin lowering into the wet and almost black mud. My dress shoes squish on the grass and green blades stick to the shining patent leather.

I see mom’s picture. They have it standing above the hole. She’s young in it. She looks exactly like Maggie. She’s wearing a pearl necklace and smiling. You can see little lines by her eyes. Her red hair looks beautiful.

And there is dad behind the picture. He’s soaking wet. He has no umbrella. The jacket of his suit slopes down and looks too big for him. But he’s sitting on a motorcycle holding a glass with liquor in it. He looks at no one but me. He raises it up and the rain falls and runs down his face. He and I must share something.

Why couldn’t I know?

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