Monday, January 23, 2012

The T-Wolves Primer

Alex Theoharides (@Minne_Pop) takes a moment of breath from his T-Wolves mania to provide an easy-to-read team guide for the 2012 Minnesota Timberwolves.

The T-Wolves Primer
A Who’s Who Guide to the NBA’s Youngest and Hippest Hoopsters
by Alex Theoharides

Anyone who is anyone in Minneapolis will tell you that ours is a city overrun with hipsters. From the flannel-wearing bikers who ride boldly to work in the heart of our annual January freeze to our local rhyme saying crew, Minneapolis is a dangerous place to be if you don’t appreciate skinny jeans, Buddy Holly glasses or the occasional interaction with college freshmen smoking pipes packed to the brim with free range, organically grown and locally sourced tobacco.

The latest threat to our once peaceful streets? None other than our beloved hoopsters—Yes, Ladies and Gents, its the Timberwolves.

Puzzled by the T-Wolves sudden relevancy? You’re not alone. As Mrs. Minnepop’s secret crush Bob Collins remarked recently on Twitter, it’s been 12 years since Malik Sealey hit the most (the only?) famous shot in T-Wolves history. Sure, this is the same inept team sent to replace our once mighty Minneapolis Lakers and our once fishy Minnesota Muskies. OK fine, it’s more or less the same group of youngsters that finished with the worst record in the NBA last season. And yes, it’s the same team that gets pushed off the air every time there’s a college hockey tournament or an ice fishing competition in town. But trust me this year it’s different. This year … This year … We have RICKY RUBIO!!!

Without further ado, I present the who’s who guide to Your 2012 Minnesota Timberwolves.

The Coach

Game: Scratching chin, rubbing head.
Nickname: Rick
Looks like: Sherlock Holmes (the original fellow, not that Robert Downey Jr. hack)
Claim to fame: Wearing black turtlenecks under gray suit jackets. Don’t believe me? Google him (dirty).

The Alpha Dog

Game: Grabbing rebounds, taking names.
Nickname: K. Love, The Sloop John B
Looks like: A sumo wrestler.
Hipster Cred: Has beard, does yoga, The Beach Boys’ Mike Love is his uncle.
Claim to Fame: Has his own cologne.

Young Pups with Potential

Game: In the immortal vernacular of Walt Clyde Frazier, “Dancing and Prancing, Dishing and Swishing, Hustling and Bustling, Movin’ and Grovin’!, Shaking and Baking, Slicing and Dicing, Spinning and Winning, Styling and Profiling, Swooping and Hooping, Wheeling and Dealing, Winning and Grinning.
Nicknames: Tricky Ricky, Ricky Potter, The Holy Ole! (OK, so I just made that up).
Looks like: Harry Potter
Hipster Cred: Need I say more?

Derrick Williams, Small Forward

Game: Dunks and Treys, Baby, Dunks and Treys.
Nickname: D-Will, Superman (but really, what NBA player isn’t nicknamed Superman?)
Looks like: According to the Internet, Sven Goran Eriksson. Presumably, the Internet is referring to a different Derrick Williams.
Claim to fame: This block.

Wesley Johnson, Small Forward

Game: Missing open threes.
Nickname: Wes (I know. Lame.)
Claim to fame: Share’s the same name as this fine fella.

Wayne Ellington, Shooting Guard

Game: Making open threes.
Nickname: The Wayne Train.
Hipster Cred: Used to rock Tar Heel blue.
Claim to fame: Dated (dates?) this woman.

Malcolm Lee
I don’t know who you are or what you look like. Apparently, neither do the Twolves.

Travel Weary Vets

Game: Step back threes, highlight reel drives to the paint.
Nickname: JJ
Looks like: Bilbo Baggins
Hipster Cred: Has beard, expert at making funny faces.
Claim to fame: Dated Miss Universe.

Luke Ridnour, Point/Shooting Guard

Game: Poorest man in the world’s Steve Nash.
Nickname: Frodo, The Mop, Cool Hand Luke, Lucky Luke.
Looks like: Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Hipster Cred: Went to college near Portland.
Claim to fame: Best basketball player from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho.

Anthony Tolliver, Power Forward

Game: All Hustle
Nickname: Oliver (credit Mrs. Minnepop), A.T, The A-Train
Looks like: A young Bill Cosby
Hipster Cred: N/A, he’s a bonafide square
Claim to fame: Posting bible passages on Twitter, secretly being my favorite TWolf

Martel Webster, Shooting Guard

Game: Sitting on the bench, recovering from back surgery.
Nickname: The Definition (Really? Seems a little presumptuous Martel. What exactly are you supposed to define? )
Looks like: A taller, skinnier Webster.
Hipster Cred: His first name is Martel. He grew up in Seattle. Check out the hair. Total hipster.
Claim to fame: Best player named Martel in the NBA.

The Nut House

Darko Milicic, Center

Game: Dropping passes, fouling out.
Nickname: Drako Malfoy, Donny Darko, The Human Victory Cigar, Could Have Been Carmelo.
Looks like: Every bully from every movie ever made.
Claim to fame: Picked ahead of Carmelo Anthony in the 2003 NBA Draft.

Michael Beasley, Small Forward

Game: Shooting, missing, talking to himself, shooting again, not passing, shooting some more.
Nickname: B-Easy
Looks like: Bob Marley
Hipster Cred: Looks like Bob Marley

Anthony Randolph, Small Forward

Game: Random acts of athleticism.
Nickname: Starvin’ Marvin, Gumby
Looks like: Starvin’ Marvin
Hipster Cred: Can fit into skinny jeans.
Claim to fame: Freakish wingspan

Nikola Peković, Cener

Game: If you have six fouls, you may as well use all of them.
Nickname: Pek
Hipster Cred: Hard to tell: All the hipsters I know are too terrified to approach him.

The Lone Old Wolf

Brad Miller, Center/Power Forward

Game: Scowling, sitting on the bench, being injured.
Nickname: Taco Trey Kirby
Looks like: A wolf.
Hipster Cred: Thick beard, former teammate of Vlade Divac.

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