Thursday, February 23, 2012

Belated Relationships with Dr. Scales

Dr. Kerri Scales returns with an apology for her past two Wednesday absences, as well as some more of her legendary advice.

Salutations my little love sick mongrels! I would first like to apologize for my lag in communication this past week…it’s actually kind of a funny story…not to bog you down with details or anything, but, like, last week I was hanging out with some old pals of mine—in the birth place of rock—having a good time, doing our usual pre-Valentine’s Day ritual and what have you. And then, just as we were about to turn the amps on and kick it old school (Creed style), this dude named Rufus dropped down from the high heavens in a telephone booth wearing a Rick Santorum mask and blabbing on and on about the future of mankind. Now let’s not forget I’m a doctor, so I don’t really feel the need to pay attention to “details”, but I’m pretty sure we met some well known historical figures

…that tirade aside, let’s get on with the question and answer portion of this exam…

Hi Dr. Scales,

I just moved to New York from Seattle and I commute on the subway every day. I want to ask almost every girl out. You were a young woman once. What do you think about being approached on the subway? Yes or no?

Desperately seeking a Susan,

First off, welcome to the gritty city! I hope you have found your accommodations to be satisfactory – might I interest you in a warm towelette?

But really, this is an excellent question and I’m actually really glad you asked me (this is one of three times a year this happens, FYI). Though this topic is a great one to address, it is also a topic that is definitely in need of a #proceedwithcaution. On the one hand, New Yorkers idea of 9-5 is more like 8-7, so many of us use our commute time as an opportunity to enjoy some easy listening, catch up on our sleep, or read a good book. On the other hand, what the fuck? Are New Yorkers really that salty that a little friendly conversation/innocent flirting is so offensive?

Well, I’m afraid to admit that the latter seems to be the case. But this isn’t WebMd, so how about some real answers? My friend Tammy has been pretty successful at the art of the ‘subway pickup’ and, according to good old Tam, these are the rules to live by in this dangerous game:

1. Don’t attempt during the morning commute.
2. Abort if she has headphones on (unless there is eye contact, reciprocity, and a smirk).
3. And (this one I will attest to) only experiment if the rest of the train car is chatty…or some homeless guy is asking for money

And if you get gun shy, there’s always this little thing some other guy named Craig invented called “Missed Connections.”

As always my door is open. Well not really my door, but my e-mail in-box. And when I say that I mean that you can e-mail me with questions (completely anonymous, might I add) that I will try my best to answer when I am not busy exercising or helping out my needy, bloated ego patients. Ya dig?

No comments:

Post a Comment