Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Lana Del Rey Room with Dr. Scales

Dr. Kerri Scales joins us once again for her Wednesday take on what works in a relationship and what doesn't. This week she tackles the phenomenon known as Lana del Rey.





*Editor's Note: Dr. Scales welcomes questions from people of all walks of life and love. You can send your questions to her whenever you like. As she is a member of the medical profession, she honors, with the utmost respect, the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement. And she's a hell of a gal besides.

Alright gang, let’s snap to it here! It is Leap Day, after all, and there are a lot of people knocking on my door with a lot of questions (you get the point) and time is money is money, money, moombah!

Dear Dr. Scales,

Would you rather kill, fuck or marry Lana del Rey?

Yours,

Cliff – New York

For those of you who don’t know, Lana del Rey (a.k.a. Ms. Fucking America) exploded onto the ‘indie rock scene’ this past summer with her breakthrough hit “Blue Jeans,” which – as you may be able to guess – is about her boyfriend or her ex-boyfriend or some dude she knew (intimately) who spent a significant amount of time sitting on his couch and playing video games (inventive, I know). She followed this up, almost immediately, with another single – and eerily similar video – entitled “Blue Jeans,” which was subsequently followed by the release of her LP “Born to Die.” If that doesn’t ring any bells, you can get to know more about her here, here, oh, and here as well.

Now, before I delve in here with any sound medical advice, I must admit that I sought out some outside influence on this one. That’s right, I resorted to the old office poll. Rather than bog you down with statistics (medical term), here are some of my personal favorites in response to the above question:

“Watch this - if you can get through this without killing yourself, then kill her.” – S.J. : It’s ok, she’s from Pennsylvania but she went to school in Boston.

“I'm not very familiar with Lana Del Rey, but I'm dying to get married (I'm emo). So I'd marry her.” – DB: ugh.

“I would cryogenically freeze her, and then reassess my options in 50 years.” – New Guy: He went to Yale (big deal).

“As for sleeping with her, I don't dip my stick in crazy. Marrying, see above. Murdering... Hmmmm.... would she really be worth getting deported over? Nope.” – Old MacDonald: I don’t think he understood the question (NOT from America).

“Who the fuck is Lana Del Rey?” – C.M.: The next ‘Martha Stewart’.

All in all, people seem to be most interested in either doing off with her head, or just doing her…but enough from the peanut gallery and onto, well, me. I’ll be the first one to admit that I was intrigued by this one from the start—hell, I even spent copious amounts of time eating fucking chocolate chip cookies and watching her music videos. But, I’ll also be the first one to admit WE WERE ALL DUPED. Coming from a Dr.’s perspective, there is nothing worse than seeing an attractive patient walk through my door only to find out their musical influences are Nirvana and Eminem. Really?! 

Strip away her makeup and her designer duds and there doesn’t seem to be anything more than bubbles and cotton candy swirling around in that pretty little head of hers. In the event of “actually answering your question,” I’d go with a good old fashioned lay. I think that’s all she’s looking for these days, too.

So, let’s remember that a spoonful of medicine blah blah blah and also that my door is open. Well not really my door, but my e-mail in-box. And when I say that I mean that you can e-mail me with questions (completely anonymous, might I add).

6 comments:

  1. Ooohhh! Why so sleepy? What gives? Talk to me.

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    1. Dr. Scales,

      I apologize for my plainly rude comment. I just love your advice as well as the high/metaphysical/Dave Eggers-like tone of Puddles of Myself. The only truly horrible writer on here is Theohardies. I just felt that this post avoided your usual tough-but-sardonic look at some important facet of relationships and love. The initial question was somewhat sophomoric so perhaps your numerous links and flighty tone were simply meant to mirror this, but that leads me to wonder why you selected this question in the first place. You must have received one or two others. Lana Del Rey isn't even really that bad and, if people will pay for sub-par music in the first place, than I commend her ability to reap that largesse. That is why I wrote zzzzz. Sorry.

      Love,
      Anonymous

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    2. then*

      Oh and for the record, I wish your column appeared more than once a week.

      Delete
  2. Thanks Anonymous! I appreciate your feedback - both the constructive criticism and the uplifting comments; I'm improving my game already...

    *In an effort to not leave any of my readers hanging, I will answer any and all reasonable questions that come my way - so keep 'em comin'!

    XOXO,
    Dr. Scales

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