Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Relationchip Room with Dr. Scales

Dr. Kerri Scales returns with a very special edition of her Relationship Room.

*Editor's Note: Dr. Scales welcomes questions from people of all walks of life and love. You can send your questions to her whenever you like. As she is a member of the medical profession, she honors, with the utmost respect, the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement. And she's a hell of a gal besides.

I’d like to formally welcome you all to the first and only edition of “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Doctor But Now You Do – A Memoir.” This doesn’t happen every day so enjoy it while it lasts dipshits:

1.) I was drafted by the San Diego Padres the same year I was born.
2.) I recently donated my life savings to a campaign that backed having a mentally challenged Pennsylvanian with a lifelong dream of being ‘America’s superhero’ elected into office…he didn’t win and now I’m running out of excuses to give to my bookie.
3.) The first word I ever uttered was “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” – that’s when I knew I wanted to go to med school.
4.) I once read the Bible in its entirety while water skiing.
5.) The Philly Phanatic was my first official boyfriend.
6.) I can digest feathers, which means the birds I eat are fresher than the birds you eat.
7.) I once had a promising career as a musician. I performed under the stage name “Wham!” – most people thought this was two people, but really it was just me.
8.) If there were a theme song pegged to my life, it would sound exactly like this.
9.) I’m actually the real life inspiration for Lena Dunham.
10.) I’ve been using the Second Internet for a good five years already.
Now to address a question from one of my dear readers. And by “dear reader” I mean from a stranger who wrote me a letter that I presume reads my column and whom I care little to nothing about.
Dear Dr. Scales,

Does God exist? And if so, is he really that cool anyway? Or I mean, what's your favorite brand/style of potato chip?

Regards, Leib
Congratulations Leib, without even intending to do so, you’ve just become my most boring patient ever….nah, I’m kidding – I have daily chats with these two. But really, I try my best to be as professional as I can, so excuse my desire to leave religion out of this. Luckily for you, I’m about as knowledgeable as they come when we’re talking about chips – so settle in because I could keep you here all day…

Stage 1 – The “Honeymoon” Stage – Kettle Brand Spicy Thai
A.K.A The Romance Stage, The Fantasy Stage, The Courtship Phase

Just like those first few meetings between you and that Justin Bieber look alike you likely bonded with over your fear of Candy Corn, Kettle Brand’s Spicy Thai chips are the perfect example of the unique alchemy of brilliant, complex flavoring and expertly kettle-cooked potato slices that reach the height of flawless deliciousness that keeps you coming back for more…again and again and again.

Endorphin levels are high, you can’t get enough of each other, and neither of you can do wrong in the eye of the other. You and your new love interest aren’t doing so bad either.

Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage – Nacho Cheese Doritos
A.K.A. The Familiarization Stage, The Adjusting to Reality Phase

You can’t eat just one of these damn things, or at least I can’t.

“Hi, my name is Dr. Kerri Scales and I am addicted to Nacho Cheese Doritos.”

But seriously, this is one of those chips that you’d be hard pressed to only have just one of. With that in mind, there’s a reason why most people opt for the single serve bags. Once you get that nacho cheese tease all over your hands, there’s no turning back.

In a similar fashion, this is that phase of a relationship where you realize this perfect partner of yours has flaws and you start to scale back on the frequency of your hangouts. Though this phase can be confusing and discouraging (again, nacho cheese tease stains), you’ve got to remember that your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict effectively. As I said before, you can’t have just one…

Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage – Lay’s Salt and Vinegar
A.K.A. The Disappointment Phase, The Distress Stage

Conflict – especially in a relationship – is a “bad” thing and these two flavors could not oppose each other more. I mean, it’s like a Rocky vs. Clubber Lang showdown right in your fucking mouth. But, just as any good chip will do, they keep you keep coming back for more because they’re affordable, tasty, and contain just 1g of saturated fat in every serving.

As you fill your mouth with chip after chip and your tongue starts to go numb; you may start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or worse, that they simply can’t be trusted.  Many couples will get stuck in this stage but those who persevere will find that it is absolutely necessary to learn how to manage your differences effectively – take a breather, get a fucking Sprite, and dive back in. 

Stage 4 – The Stability Stage – Ruffles Sour Cream and Onion
A.K.A. The Friendship Phase, The Reconciliation Stage

They’re salty, they’re creamy, they’re crunchy, they’re thick enough to dip, and at this point you just want a sturdy, reliable chip with great flavor. It’s not that you can’t have just one, it’s that you can’t have just one overflowing handful.

With a healthy belly and satisfied taste buds, this is a restful and peaceful time in your relationship – a point where you start to develop deeper feelings of love and trust and begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and content.

Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage – Cape Cod Potato Chips, plain (and non of that reduced fat crap)
A.K.A. The Acceptance Phase, The Transformation Stage, The Real Love Phase 

The Relationship Institute of America estimates that less than 5% of couples actually progress to this stage. The Cape Cod Potato Chip Institute of America estimates that less than 5% of people that taste a Cape Cod Potato Chip can resist the urge to go back for more. But really, I don’t think that the 5’4”, buck-20 housewife from Hyannis, MA knew the impact her homemade creation would one day have on the taste buds of all who dared to dip their hand in her bags.

Known for their reliable, delicious, satisfying, and all natural kettle cooked taste, these chips should be devoured slowly due to their hard texture. A fatal flaw some may say, but they’ve got your best interest at heart – simple yet superior flavor. In a stage where you both have a very clear notion of who one another is - faults, foibles and weaknesses galore – you’ve made the conscious decision to stay together for the long haul.

Congratulations, your relationship has just become a true partnership. 
Well, this seems as good a time as ever to stop talking –  I’m sure you’ve got things to click on with your mouse and I’ve got to get back to the filming of my new reality TV show False Talk With Me, Your Host, Dr. Kerri L. Scales – but if I can leave you with just one thing, it would be this.
E-mail me here or here and we’ll work something out.

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