Alright, my Puddlers, its ridiculously hot out there. I mean, I was walking around the streets of Manhattan last night and it felt like I was in a Bikram yoga studio. Actually, around 23rd Street and 6th Avenue it sort of smelt like a Bikram yoga studio after the 8:15 PM class lets out. It felt so much like a Bikram yoga studio that after about twenty minutes in the sticky heat I started getting hungry for a burrito just like I used to when I was just plowing through Bikram classes back in 2009.
The fact that it’s so hot means five things.
First, most New Yorkers are dangerously close to having this song playing in their heads, feeling irrationally dangerous and thinking about the 70’s and the Son of Sam—aka New Yorkers are in homicidal heat mode.
Second, baseball season is in full swing, which means that people are so bored that things like this start to happen*.
(*Editor’s Note: Even though the Phillies are inexcusably awful this year, I’m starting to talk myself into the 2012 baseball season based on the fact that interesting, athletic players like Andrew McCutchen, Mike Trout and Bryce Harper are pointing to a better era of baseball that seems to be arriving faster than expected.)
Third, basketball is over so that means I am watching the NBA Summer League and spending an unhealthy amount of time studying up on players like Denver’s Izzet Turkyilmaz (pronounced TURK-IL-MAS) as well as talking myself into watching a Bobcats vs. Kings game because I now have a basketball crush on Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. I mean, just think of his potential!
Fourth, everyone is hot, sweaty, scantily clad and thinking about sex.
Fifth, the 2012 Olympics are just a few weeks away in London.
Conveniently, things four and five intersected last week in ESPN the Magazine’s revealing piece on sex in the Olympic Village. Coincidentally, last week I wrote the most unsexy piece ever! (PLUG, PLUG, PLUG, PLUG!). The ESPN the Magazine piece is actually a fantastic read because, well who doesn’t want to hear about Olympians needing over 70,000 condoms during the Olympics? Also, who doesn’t like it when a feature then creates “headline” driven synopsis pieces like this?
In wake of this article and in the spirit of heat, sex and the Olympics, I decided to dust off my List-Making 1987 Magic Johnson Short Shorts (what?) and make a list of the Top Ten Most Fuckable American Olympic Athletes. And you people thought that Domino had no lists left in him? Well, behold and take a look at which American Olympians that you most want to fuck!
10. Michael Jordan (1992)
Alright, so I’m a homer. And by homer, I mean it is rare for me to have a list that Michael Jordan does not appear on. However, hear me out. In Barcelona, in 1992, Michael Jordan looked like this. He was 29 years old and he was the best player in the NBA and well on his way to being declared the best basketball player of all time and perhaps the best athlete of all-time. He was the best player on the Dream Team, which is the greatest team ever assembled and, by all accounts, he barely ever slept while he was in Barcelona. Instead, he balanced playing basketball at the highest level with playing cards, playing basketball, smoking cigars and carousing for Catalonian women. Now, ladies, if any of you are actually reading this, how can you resist a man who so good at what he does that he can actually pull off being nonchalant (for a month at least) about it at the same time? I think many out of wedlock Catalonian babies named Miguel born in early 1993 would agree with me wholeheartedly.
9. Dominique Dawes (1996)
A key member of the “Magnificent Seven” 1996 U.S. Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team, Dawes was not actually the most famous member of said team. That honor would have to go to Kerri Strug, who, you know, heroically did this. Honorable mention also goes to Shannon Miller who was the “captain” of the squad. However, when it came to looks, Dominique Dawes was the winner. She was the oldest member of the team at 20 and she actually had a much more distinguished post-En Vogue, early Brandy, middle-class-man’s Beyonce look about her. When you can be compared to the Beyonce of a man who drives Toyota Camry or Volkswagon Golf, you know that you are a very fuckable Olympian.
8. Hope Solo (2008)
She’s not a chore to look at, but we have to give her credit for being so open about all the sex going on in the Olympic. Really its her candid stance on the whole topic that gets men’s imaginations running wild and then in turn makes her much sexier than she actually is. Does that make sense?
7. Nancy Kerrigan (1994)
We all know the terrible Nancy Kerrigan/Tanya Harding feud that resulted in this terrible moment, as well as introduced the world to the name Jeff Gillooly. However, Nancy Kerrigan was quite an early-90’s beauty. She definitely played up a post-Pretty Woman Julia Roberts vibe to its fullest and it definitely worked in her favor (although, without the reddish J.R. hair and J.R. lips, it didn’t totally work). Also, when her pretty, wholesome victim was played against Harding’s trailer-park thug it made her even more attractive, radiant and classy. As far as the actual competition, Kerrigan got silver, but when it came to looks and sex appeal at the 1994 Olympics, Nancy was all gold.
6. Michael Phelps (2008, 2012)
Michael Phelps graced the most recent cover of Details without his shirt on, which prompted my friend, when I asked her what her favorite part of Details was, to say, “Michael Phelps!” Now, I don’t totally get it, but I can see my friend’s point: He’s in fantastic shape; he’s in his 20’s; he’s already the most successful Olympian of all-time; and he’s super rich. Let’s put aside the fact that he might be a dick and he has that weird kind of fang-mouth, according to a major magazine and many American women, Michael Phelps is a fuckable symbol of American Olympic Village sex—possibly underwater.
5. Dan O’Brien (1992, 1996)
Entering the 1992 Olympics, Dan O’Brien was known for two things, being the favorite to win gold in the decathlon, and being an athletic sex symbol. Well, he choked on the gold medal part, but he lived up to the sex symbol part. Now, no one really wants to have sex with someone who is a failure—well, I guess except maybe everyone in the Run, Rabbit series—so why is Dan so high on this list? Because he came back and won the gold in 1996, cementing his legacy as perhaps the best decathlon athlete of the 1990’s, which is pretty impressive. I mean, seriously, do you know how hard it is to do a triathlon let alone a decathlon? Ladies, you can slip Dan O’Brien the key card to your room in the Olympic Village. Err…the 1992 or 1996 versions of him. You can Google the current version if you want to, but you probably don’t.
4. Nastia Liukin (2008)
During the 2008 Olympics, my former roommate and I made a pledge that we would not watch anything besides Olympic coverage while the games were taking place in China. That pledge allowed me to get up close and personal with a lot of Olympic athletes including beach volleyball star Misty-May Treanor (who was a little to “horsey” to make this list), the Chinese diving team (a little too creepy as well as too young to make this list), and of course the U.S. Gymnastics team. During the Olympics, Nastia Lukin ended up rising as the brightest star on the squad and in the process established herself as being hot. As in, at the time, all of my friends in Brooklyn agreed that we would have sex with her. I mean who could forget her receiving the gold medal in this pink leotard? I know I won’t. She may not be on the team this year, but I still would not mind sharing a room with her in the Olympic Village
3. Alicia Sacaramone (2008)
Ah, my beloved Alicia Sacaramone. Now, some might call her the “choke artist” of the 2008 U.S. Olympic team because she fell on both the floor and beam portions of the Team Competition. However, she took the blame in stride and looked beautiful. She had some kind of underrated Italian appeal and looked really good with her hair pulled back in that gymnast ponytail, which is a huge component to this whole logic of figuring out which Olympian that you most want to have sex with. Flash me some vintage 2008 shots of Alicia Sacaramone in that red U.S. uniform on a hot day like this and, well, you get the idea.
2. Muhammad Ali (1960)
You can’t argue with the handsomeness of a young Ali, especially when he was still Cassius Clay. The Champ didn’t become “The Champ” until 1964, but Clay still had that championship smile as he won the gold medal in the Light Heavyweight Division. Now, the culture of the 1960 Olympic Village may have been slightly different than the picture that Hope Solo has painted, but you can rest assured that Ali made his presence felt with some of Rome’s finest women. C’mon, this guy was charisma personified!
1. Lindsey Vonn (2010)
The Olympic babe to end all Olympic babes. She initially caught our eyes with her blonde, slightly feline looks and her appearance in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and then totally won us over by winning the gold medal in the downhill despite injuring her shin right before the Olympics. Look, I think she is a beautiful American woman and I would not mind marrying her, just being there for the sex, and giving up all my inherent artistic dreams and desires and just living off Lindsey Vonn as her “Olympic Husband” (Go on, ask me about my screenplay for the movie Olympic Husbands. I dare you!). When you are exhausted from an Olympic day’s events, whether they are athletic or alcoholic, and you find yourself at a little ski chalet neighborhood known as the Olympic Village and the Goldschlager is coursing through your veins, you know the first room you are looking for is going to be Lindsey Vonn’s and then you can call in the condom reinforcements later.