Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Making a Scene: Sneaking Around With a Citibike.

A reminder to never leave your girlfriend alone with a Citibike.

Editor's Note: One of my goals for the next few months is to try and produce one humorous short scene per week. I will be submitting all of these to the "Shouts and Murmurs" blog on The New Yorker Website and all the entries that don't make it (whether funny or not) will land here from time to time.

[Two men walk down the street. One has a brown bag that contains a bottle of Jim Beam bourbon curled in his arm, while the other dangles a black plastic bag weighed down by a six pack of Budweiser bottles. The grey sky gives way to slivers of dull pink twilight and the smell of late-summer fires begins to permeate the darkening air.]

Guy #1: Have you ever thought about acting?

Guy #2: What?

Guy#1: Acting. I feel like you’ve got good facial expressions for it.

Guy #2: Actually, I’ve thought about it a lot.

Guy #1: Really?

Guy #2: Yeah, I’m pretty vain. Didn’t you ever know that?

Guy #1: I had a feeling, you asshole.

[The two round a corner and avoid a brother and sister recklessly riding bikes with training wheels, their father chases behind them with an iPad tucked under his arm.]

Guy #2: What are we going to say to Jareth when we get there?

Guy #1: I don’t know. I mean, what do you say?

Guy #2: He’s always been the one that broke girl’s hearts, so this is totally new to him. I don’t think he’s ever been dumped before.

Guy #1: Man, I wonder what that would be like—never having been dumped.

Guy #2: I know.

Guy# 1: I can’t tell you how many times girls have told me that, “I’m a good guy.”

Guy #2: Really? That’s never happened to me.

Guy #1: Never?

Guy #2: Yep.

Guy #1: You asshole.

[The two men approach an old apartment building at the corner of a tree-lined street, it’s front light beginning to glow in the darkness. Two overweight older women push rolling carts slowly past the entranceway to the building, causing the men to idle until they pass into the night.]

Guy #1: I hate the end of summer.

Guy #2: I feel like I can still smell sun tan lotion in the air on my way to work.

Guy #1: Really?

[Guy #2 nods solemnly as they pass open garbage cans overflowing with empty beer bottles and preservative cans, on their way into the building.]

Guy #1: I could’ve sworn that Jareth was going to marry Danielanie.

Guy #2: Me too. She’s a cool girl.

Guy #1: Patient, good taste in music, laughed at his jokes and ours.

Guy #2: It’s a shame.

Guy #1: What do you think went wrong?

Guy #2: I have no idea; it was sudden news to me too.

Guy #1: Do you think she could have been cheating on him for long?

Guy #2: Well, he found them in bed together, so I imagine it must have been carrying on for awhile if she was that careless about it.

[In the foyer of the building, the two buzz up to their friend, Jareth.]

Jareth: Yeah?

Guy #1: It’s us.

[Jareth buzzes them into the building. The two enter the main hallway and begin climbing the stairs, their steps and the adjustments of their bags echoing along the silent walls.]

Guy #2: God, imagine finding out that your girlfriend of four years fucked a Citibike?

Guy #1: Shut up.

Guy #2: What? No one here cares.

Guy #1: Still. You wouldn’t want your friends talking about finding your girlfriend in bed with a bike.

Guy #1: Alright, alright.

[The two guys knock on Jareth’s door. It swings open. Jareth is clean-shaven and appears to have a fresh haircut. He smiles.]

Guy #2: Hey man, how are you doing?

Jareth: I’m doing good, guys.

Guy #1: Really? I mean I’m surprised given what happened.

Guy #2: Yeah, Danielanie is cold bitch.

Jareth: No, guys. We’ve got to learn to forgive and forget.

Guy #1: What?

Jareth: It’s true. My new friend taught me that I need to put Danielanie and what she did to me in the past and embrace the future. New experiences.

Guy #2: New friend?

[Ryan Gosling emerges from the other room and walks humbly into the kitchen.]

Guy #2: Ryan Gosling?

Jareth: Yes, I ran into him at a bar when I was drinking myself under the table at Montero's. It turns out we have a lot in common.

Ryan Gosling: It’s true…my high school girlfriend went down on a pair of roller blades.

Guy #1: Wow.

Jareth: Yeah, Ryan’s been a big help.

Guy #2: I can’t believe it.

Ryan Gosling: (to Guy #2) You know something, I’m out of the game right now, but did you ever think about acting? I think you have some very profound facial expressions.

Guy #2: Actually, I’ve thought about it a lot.

Guy #1: Assholes.

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