The embattled former Philadelphia Eagles coach makes his return to the City of Brotherly Love.
Editor's Note: One of my goals for the next few
months is to try and produce one humorous short scene per week. I will
be submitting all of these to the "Shouts and Murmurs" blog on The New Yorker Website and all the entries that don't make it (whether funny or not) will land here from time to time.
[The scene opens on the city of Philadelphia, hours before Andy Reid
makes his return to Lincoln Financial Field as the coach of the Kansas
City Chiefs. Two men, one white, one black, stand in line waiting for
cheesesteaks from Geno’s Steaks on 9th Street. The white man looks like, oh, let’s say Pat Solitano, played by Bradley Cooper in the film Silver Linings Playbook. The black man looks like, oh, I don’t know, Danny McDaniels, played by Chris Tucker in the film Silver Linings Playbook. The white guy wears a DeSean Jackson jersey, while the black guy wears a LeSean “Shady” McCoy jersey.]
Pat Solitano Guy: I’ve gotta tell you, man, things are really going well with Timberly.
Chris Tucker Guy: That’s great, but do you know what, though? She reminds me of someone.
Pat Solitano Guy: Who? That girl, uh, Amden? The one from our sleepover therapy class?
Chris Tucker Guy: Nah, man. Ah, I’ll think of it.
Solitano Guy: So, are you amped up or what, buddy? We’re going to kill
Fat Andy and the Chiefs tonight. Tough one last week, but I’m looking
forward to taking it out on the ol’ Walrus.
Chris Tucker Guy: We’re gonna win for sure, but I’m kind of happy for Andy.
the two men, a large, fairly rotund woman with long blonde hair and a
red, walrus-like, moustache perks her head up in interest. At her hair’s
peak, an old, silver and plain green Eagles cap sits precariously.]
Pat Solitano Guy: Happy? I mean, sure, there were good times, but he only got us to the Super Bowl once in all those years.
Chris Tucker Guy: Five NFC Championship Games and one Super Bowl in fourteen years isn’t bad, though.
Rotund Woman: I agree. Andy gets a bad rap.
Pat Solitano Guy: (Getting angry) Oh, excuse me, sir. I didn’t realize that you were a part of our conversation.
Rotund Woman: How dare you! I’m a lady!
Chris Tucker Guy: (To his friend) Easy, buddy. I thought you were better with that anger stuff now that you’re with Timberly.
Pat Solitano Guy: You’re right. I’m sorry.
Chris Tucker Guy: I apologize, ma’am. My friend gets angry when he’s hungry. Like those Snickers commercials. You know?
Rotund Woman: Of course I do. Those are my favorite commercials!
Pat Solitano Guy: So, you liked Fat Andy?
Rotund Woman: Yes, I liked Andy Reid.
He’s the winningest coach in Eagles history and he helped turn our
franchise from a laughingstock into one of the model organizations in
the entire NFL.
Pat Solitano Guy: Before he turned us into a joke again with the “Dream Team.”
Rotund Woman: Oh, so it’s his fault his son died and his personal life was affecting him.
Chris Tucker Guy: The lady’s got a point there.
Solitano Guy: Alright, but what about his clock management? That was a
joke. Every columnist and pundit in the world ripped on Andy and the way
his handled our timeouts during crunch time. I can’t tell you how many
snide Bill Simmons columns and comments I had to grit my teeth through!
Chris Tucker Guy: Well, you didn’t have to read them all.
Woman: Yeah, and it wasn’t Andy’s fault. I mean, what was he supposed
to do with all those timeouts? They were just sitting up there on the
scoreboard as lit up little circles—kind of like the food that Pac Man ate. What, was he just supposed to let them sit up there? Just conserve
them for when he needed them? Like some kind of ant?
Pat Solitano Guy: Huh?
Rotund Woman: The Grasshopper and the Ant Story!
Chris Tucker: My mama always used to tell me that one.
Rotund Woman: See, he gets it.
Pat Solitano: You know something? You’re not making any sense.
Woman: No, it’s you Philly fans that never make any sense. You all just
can’t accept things when you’ve got them good. Did you ever think that
because you expect things to go wrong that they inevitably do? All the
juju and smashed remote controls in the world aren’t going to change
that negative thinking. Sometimes you’ve just got to appreciate what
you’ve got and not obsessively focus on what you don’t have. It’ll help
your blood pressure. You’ll live a little longer.
Chris Tucker Guy: Easy, lady. This guy has gotten into many a fistfight in the parking lot at the Vet and the Linc.
Solitano Guy: I can’t believe what I’m hearing! You’ve got some nerve.
Sure Andy did some good things, but we never got that Super Bowl.
Rotund Woman: Oh, so it was my fault that Donovan couldn’t run the hurry up offense against the Patriots in the Super Bowl?
Chris Tucker Guy: Your fault?
[The rotund woman starts visibly sweating. She darts her eyes and starts smoothing the ends of her moustache.]
Rotund Woman: Well, yeah, uh, I just get a little defensive about Andy Reid. I thought he was a great coach.
Pat Solitano Guy: Look, I didn’t want to say anything before, but what’s with the moustache?
Chris Tucker Guy: Yeah, I mean that’s more than just being lazy.
Rotund Woman: Uh, uh…hey, isn’t that Buddy Ryan?
Pat Solitano Guy: Where?
[The Rotund Woman points down Passyunk Avenue.]
Rotund Woman: I just saw him go down there…yeah. He’s a legend!
[The two men go running in the direction of the Rotund Woman’s pointed arm and finger.]
Solitano Guy: Buddy! We never won a playoff game with you, but at least
you had the toughest defense in the league and gave the team a dirty,
gritty vibe that fit our self-destructive collective citywide psyche!
two men disappear and the Rotund Woman hustles up to the window at
Geno’s and orders a cheesesteak. Once the steaming oblong mass of bread,
griddle fried and chopped beef, browned, glistening onions, peppers,
and melted orange cheese is in her large hands, she takes off running.]
Woman: The barbecue in Kansas City may be heaven, but the Philly
Cheesesteak will always have my heart. And fill it with cholesterol.
[The two men come storming back to Geno’s, searching for the Rotund Woman.]
Pat Solitano Guy: She tricked us, man! Buddy was nowhere to be found. And you know, something, she looked a lot like Fat Andy!
Chris Tucker Guy: Now I remember what I was going to say before about Timberly!
Pat Solitano Guy: What was it?
Chris Tucker Guy: Doesn’t she remind you of that actress Jennifer Lawrence?
Pat Solitano Guy: You know I don’t watch a lot of movies.